By way of introduction for the uninitiated, let’s define black Friday (a.k.a today). “Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving in the United States, is historically one of the busiest retail shopping days of the year. Many consider it the ‘official’ beginning to the holiday season. Most retailers will open very early and usually provide massive discounts on their products” (Wikipedia).

Massive discounts indeed. How about a portable DVD player for $50? That’s a bargain boys and girls. We got a Wal-Mart flyer in the mail yesterday advertising this sweet little $50, 6 inch-screened bundle of DVD viewing joy. A couple of small problems however: 1) very limited quantity, 2) going on sale at 5am, 3) on Black Friday. I didn’t realize how much of a problem these factors would be until I found myself at Wal-Mart this morning at 6:17am.

Emily leaves for work this morning at 6:00am. “Drew, you should go get one of those DVD players at Wal-Mart for only 50 bucks…what a steal!” Drew rises from his slumber: clothes, scrapes frost off windshield and heads toward the brand-new Super Wal-Mart.

I thought the roads seemed about normal with traffic for 6am until I neared University Towne Centre, the plaza where our first of two new Super Wal-Marts calls home. Traffic was buzzing. Impatient minivans full of shopping-frenzied soccer moms sped along, weaving through traffic like a rotund bloke chasing a Krispy Kreme down a hill. I passed Best Buy (the electronics super-store) on the way to Wally World. The queue was out the door. It’s one thing to wait at the checkout but these bargain hunters were getting frostbit just waiting to get into the store! I’m pretty sure I saw some RVs in the parking lot. Did they camp outside Best Buy the night before? You would think Best Buy was giving out bags of rice to starving refugees.

Wal-Mart came into view and its parking lot was pregnant with said soccer mom minivans, SUVs and rusted up clunkers. Making my entry to Wal-Mart, I noticed a Rent-a-Cop armed with mace and a whistle checking everyone’s receipts and carts. The electronics section soon came into sight, teeming with life it was. The queue at the electronics checkout was laden with mullets, beer bellies and price-too-low-to-show bargains. I was flashed by one gentleman. Yep, he wiped his brow with the lower portion of his shirt while in the checkout, revealing girth and lipids. Are you sure you really need that new Nintendo, sir? Shame treadmills aren’t on sale.

Refocusing on my mission, I searched for the portable DVD players. Here was the display case. The cheapest one was $120! Where’s the one for 50 bucks? What kind of sick joke was this? I made my way to a Wal-Mart Associate. “Excuse me, where’s the portable DVD player advertised for $50?” Before he could reply, the Rent-a-Cop guarding the electronics domain emerged out of nowhere and mockingly spouted, “Haha. Those sold out in the first five minutes.” The time was 6:20 am. One hour and fifteen minutes late. What do you get when you show up late to Wal-Mart on Black Friday? Laughed at by a Rent-a-Cop.

I drove away dejected, wishing for something to raise my spirits since Sam Walton left me out to dry. I stopped by Old Navy to check out their deals. At the entrance of the store five or so soccer moms had congregated. They were plotting their next move. “I can’t believe the Dollar Store doesn’t open until 8am!” quipped the one still wanting her two front teeth for Christmas. Her flannel-shirt friend appropriately countered, “It’s not like it matters. Everything’s always a dollar anyways.” Good point, senorita.

I quickly realized I didn’t have what it takes to survive Black Friday and headed for home.