“Did you become effeminate when you got married?” That was the question posed last night by a single seminary twenty-something. The immediate response in my mind was, “wait, what?” Some questions you just never expect, but I’ve got some thoughts on the question that didn’t make their way in edgewise last night.

The first response is actually another question: what do you mean by effeminate? If you mean acting in ways or doing things that are characteristically feminine which a male typically doesn’t do prior to getting married or having a girlfriend, the answer is yes. For example, before marrying or dating, I wasn’t in the habit of holding hands (or cuddling) with anyone, but now that I’m married I do. But, is that effeminate or affectionate? Or, now that I’m married my wife gives me a nightly reminder to wash my face (“exfoliate”) before going to bed. Is that effeminate or just good hygiene? Or, now that I’m married my wife advises me on what to wear, even to the point, dare I say it, of creating “outfits.” Is that effeminate or just good fashion sense and avoiding a fashion faux pas? Or, my wife and I may watch My Fair Lady instead of say Apocalypto. Is that effeminate or culturally enriching? (You daren’t call Henry Higgins effeminate.)

Holding hands, cuddling, being kind, gentle and caring, hygienic, serving others, watching musicals and being romantic should not be seen as being effeminate.

Effeminate, rather, might be prancing around in my wife’s bra and knickers. (Your wife may wear panties, but mine most assuredly wears knickers. God save the Queen. [We have a children’s book called The Queen’s Knickers.]) This I do not do.

Secondly, you may be concerned that some of the fruit of the Spirit sound effeminate: “kindness” or “gentleness” or even “self-control.” You may even think Jesus effeminate for calling children to himself (Ignatius of Antioch?) or using the analogy of a hen gathering its chicks under its wings. If so, your Jesus just might have more in common with the Vintage21 Jesus.

We, men, should submit ourselves to the Spirit and Scripture to be conformed into the image of Christ instead of esteeming higher the mold of masculinity demanded by culture. Does that mean acting effeminate? No, but it just might mean that you serve your wife and exhibit all the fruit of the Spirit and learn to serve others. You might just stop and smell a flower, enjoying all of God’s creation. You might just end up actually caring for your wife instead of treating her like one of your buddies. (Don’t punch any woman on the shoulder, ever.)

What happened to holding a complementary view of the sexes? Your wife will complement you in more ways than you imagine. God might not give you a woman that fits with you perfectly but a woman that you need most in order to be transformed day by day. You can’t stand to wait for anyone. She makes you wait. You need to learn patience. Consider yourself complemented.

We might just find that in becoming slightly more “effeminate” we are more masculine.